So, where do I start?​

Maybe I just start with my shattered heart.​

A heart in a million pieces, every sliver stinging.  Feeling completely hopeless and truly believing my heart could ever be put back together.​

But that’s what He does.​

He pieces shattered hearts back together.  He strengthens them, restores them, shapes them, and I know now, ties each heart back together with a bow.​

I’m personally not quite to the bow stage just yet, but I feel it coming.​

I really can’t explain the devastation, internal defeat, anger, sadness, hurt, and mass feelings of failure that I’ve felt having to start life over (from what I anticipated the rest of it would look like) at nearly 40 years old.​

I hate divorce.  God hates divorce. ​

Fortunately, He’s loved me through it anyway.  He’s picked me up, carried my weight, protected me under his wings, and shown me a love that I have not deserved.  A love that I have trouble accepting at times, because of it’s unexplainable richness.

But, I am learning to accept it with one key reminder to myself; He’s not me. 

God doesn’t give us His unfailing love because we deserve it or because of who we are.  He loves us because of who He is.

He IS love.

He shows mercy when He doesn’t have to.

He teaches us how to forgive.  That we have to forgive.

He leads us into true freedom.

Freedom from believing in and trusting in the things of this earth.  Freedom that comes with forgiving others.  Freedom that comes with putting Him first and identifying with what He thinks of us over what the world thinks of us.  Freedom to be our true, authentic self.

Have I experienced these things as I’ve chosen to grow closer to Him?  Yes!  Am I perfect?  Far from it!  Do I have days with questions about who God is and where He is in my life?  Of course.  Do I still have days I feel sad and hurt?  Absolutely.

Even so, I choose to snuggle deeper into faith during those days.   He will find a way to give me reassurance when I falter and grace when I question. 

I still mess up.  I still lose my temper.  I still overspend on worldly treasures. 

But, He still loves me.

He still brings me back in and reminds me of what is good.

He still lets me rest under his wings.  Day after day.

He has given me new eyes to see now. I have recognized a magnificent change in my ability to love others well and a desire  to choose a life that honors Him far more than I did before.  The more I recognize Him in my life, the more My heart aches with desire for more closeness to Him.  I now experience treasured moments in my life when I feel Him connect right to my heart through His words in The Bible or when my heart skips a beat as I see Him sending someone or something into my life to answer a prayer.   

“Daughter”.  He pinpointed this woman out of a crowd in the Book of Mark.  A woman who believed if she could just touch the hem of his gown, her ailment would be healed. A woman whose faith was seen by the Savior and cherished by Him.  Rewarded by Him.

God does not cause our suffering here on Earth, sin does.  But God can help His sons and daughters get through their suffering and provide a healing in their heart that we simply can’t do without Him.